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2014 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2014-01-08 9:08 AM
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2014 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

This is the official off topic forum for posting your (tasteful) jokes, humour and generally entertaining internet forum fodder.

Please keep in mind that this forum is considered "PG" so please post accordingly.

The 2013 version of this thread can be viewed here.
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2014-01-08 9:08 AM
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Q. What do you get if you cross the English cricket team with an OXO cube?
A. A laughing stock.

Q What is the height of optimism?
A: English batsman putting on sunscreen.

Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car at high speed?
A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both.

Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?
A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from.

Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson?
A.They both wore gloves for no apparent reason.

Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommy cricket team?
A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball.

Q. What's the difference between the Pommy cricket team and a funeral director?
A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes.
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takwu Page Icon Posted 2014-01-24 5:19 AM
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I like English humor... even if I know nothing about crickets...
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2014-01-24 9:19 AM
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I'm English and I know nothing about Cricket either
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2014-02-01 2:29 PM
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I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:

Banking 'Service'
Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Pay TV 'Service'
State & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
Bureaucratic 'Service'

My idea of 'Service' seemed to be sadly lacking from all of these agencies.

Then I went to visit my uncle, he's a farmer.

He had just bought a bull to 'Service' his cows.

Suddenly WOW! It all became clear. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us!
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2014-04-05 9:21 AM
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...'I would have been released today.
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2014-04-05 4:56 PM
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Sign in front window of Internal Revenue Service office: "Sorry, we're open."

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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2014-04-05 6:13 PM
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The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments, a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught...
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2014-04-05 11:13 PM
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Something tells me that man's wife will be showing him what 'golf' spelled backwards is . . .
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stingraze Page Icon Posted 2014-04-06 7:25 AM
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lol. Hmm.... there's a band using the word "gof" spelled backwards and adding -ing.
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stingraze Page Icon Posted 2014-04-06 9:06 AM
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I meant golf
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2014-04-10 8:38 AM
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2014-04-11 9:58 AM
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2014-04-15 7:44 PM
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EU Directive No. 456179
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2013 .
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Thank you for your attention.
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2014-04-16 3:51 AM
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Looks like urine luck . . .
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