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2008 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-07-07 7:55 PM
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C:Amie - 2008-07-07 3:26 PM
9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.


I had to laugh a second time at this because, despite posting something that risque, you had to edit the word "sex."
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2008-07-08 4:39 AM
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In my defense it came to me like that
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2008-07-12 6:18 AM
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A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different Hell for each country and decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to Germany hell and asks, "what do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day".

The man doesn't like the sound of that at all so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell!

Then he comes to the Malawi hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.

Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Malawi devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

But that is exactly the same as all the other hells why are there so many people waiting to get in?" asks the man."

Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Malawi devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes home on private business.
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2008-07-15 1:01 PM
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Character test

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.
There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.
Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.
He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer . . . Somehow, the man looks familiar . . .
You suddenly realise who it is . . . It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under for ever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer . . .

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-08-18 9:27 PM
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The Correct Technique for Coming Home Drunk....

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, 'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells at me for staying out so late!'

His buddy looks at him and says, 'Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, WHO'S HORNY???!!! And she acts like she's sound asleep.' It Works Every Time!!
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2008-08-20 12:26 PM
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An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And a floppy disk was something
Terribly wrong in your back.

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
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Hurricane John Page Icon Posted 2008-08-22 9:01 AM
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The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.


The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

Embarrassed by this headline the bishop, ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the following day.


The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!


Edited by Hurricane John 2008-08-22 9:03 AM
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-08-25 3:19 PM
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By Shannon Popkin



My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked. There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.


Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with me into the rest-room. If you'd been one of the ladies in the rest-room that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second to the last stall: 'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now?
Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the potty?' At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of this stall and reveal my identity Cade continued, 'Mommy, you ARE going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dats a good girl, Mommy! Are you gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze stinkies, Mommy! Oh .. Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere Oh! I see dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some candy!' I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of me.
Where is a screaming newborn when you need her? Good grief. This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long time before exiting.


Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and see if you can find some candy we'll both have some!' ' No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!' He started to gag at this point.
'Uh oh, Mommy I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!' As the gags be came louder, so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK. There are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue will be long gone.


'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going stinkies! Get up! Get up!' He grunted as he tried to pull me off. Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet outside my door. 'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door?


What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?' More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the situation.


'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands, now. We have to go out n ow, Mommy.' He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your hands?


I want to go out!!' I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing ou t side my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling and starting to applaud.


My first thought was complete embarrassment, then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract' where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?' But as my little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again, just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan , where she no longer uses public restrooms)

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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-08-28 8:55 AM
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Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:



1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
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Hurricane John Page Icon Posted 2008-08-28 9:24 AM
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Now that's funny stuff - It's to bad that those were the high points of NBCs aweful Olympics coverage!
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-08-28 3:41 PM
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Number 5 sounds like something Yogi Berra would say.

As for number 9, that's been said before, by Mrs. Arnold Palmer when interviewed by Johnny Carson on the "Tonight Show" (or so the story goes):

Carson: So, Mrs. Palmer, do you do anything for good luck for your husband right before a tournament?
Palmer: Well, the night before the first round, I kiss his balls.
Carson: Well, I'll bet that makes his putter go straight.

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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-09-05 3:43 AM
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How to Give a Cat A Pill
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon or a slice of cheese.
2. Toss it in the air.
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-09-08 9:47 AM
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This is funny, that is if I can attach it...
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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2008-10-09 2:57 PM
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I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives...

By following the simple advice I heard on a TV show, I have finally found inner peace. A pastor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shardonay, a boodle of Baileys, a butle of vodka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha rmainder of botl Prozic and Valum scriptins, the ress of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets. Yu haf no idr how bloody guud I feelt. Peas sen dtis on to em yu fee ar in nede of innr piss.
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airhook Page Icon Posted 2008-10-09 7:00 PM
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Nice one Richard!!
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