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2008 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2008-01-21 4:37 PM
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Note to self: Give girlfriend cell phone number.
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-01-21 4:48 PM
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Cell phone signals can be traced, C:Amie.
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-01-23 10:01 PM
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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."

The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his
collar like that." The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and whispered, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-01-24 8:06 AM
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CHP Radar



Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, North of MCAS Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held -radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching near the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked onto a USMC F/A-18 Hornet , which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

Back came a reply in true USMC style:

Thank you for the message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air to ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar was destroyed.

Thank you for your concerns
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2008-01-24 12:28 PM
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-01-24 12:53 PM
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I saw a billboard that said:

Need help? call Jesus.

1-800-005-3787



Out of curiosity I did.

A Hispanic man showed up with a tow truck.


Edited by Yoldering 2008-01-24 1:45 PM
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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2008-01-28 9:02 AM
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“Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.”

The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”

“Yes, Father, it is.”

“And who was the girl you were with?”

“I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.”

“Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”

“I cannot say.”

“Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?”

“I'll never tell.”

“Was it Nina Capelli?”

“I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.”

“Was it Cathy Piriano?”

“My lips are sealed.”

“Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?”

“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”

The priest sighs in frustration. “You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.”

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, “What'd you get?”

“Four months vacation and five good leads.”

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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-01-28 3:24 PM
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HAHAHA...
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-01-29 8:44 AM
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US TAX SYSTEM

Bar Stool Economics: Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer
and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we
pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.


So, that's what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed
quite happy with the arrangement, until on day, the
owner threw them a curve. "Since you are all such good
customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of
your daily beer by $20."Drinks for the ten now
cost
just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we
pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected.
They would still drink for free. But what about the
other six men - the paying customers? How could they
divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his
'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is
$3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's
share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each
end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner
suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's
bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to
work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing
(100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of
$18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the
first four continued to drink for free. But once
outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their
savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the
sixth man. He pointed
to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only
saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times
more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should
he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get
all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison.
"We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits
the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for
drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without
him. But when it came time
to pay the bill, they
discovered something important. They didn't have
enough money between all of them for even half of the
bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college
professors, is how our tax system works. The people
who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a
tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for
being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.
In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the
atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D.
Professor of Economics
University of Georgia

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do
not understand, no explanation is possible
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-01-29 10:35 AM
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You forgot to factor in the heavy discounts (tax loopholes) the tenth man gets, which leave him paying less than the sixth man. And you forgot to mention that, as a result of that discount, the bar has to close the men's room because it can no longer maintain it.
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Jake Page Icon Posted 2008-01-29 3:02 PM
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Chris's girlfriend/cellphone comment above reminds me of a cartoon in the New Yorker in which it's prehistoric time, and one of those huge, naked-looking dinosaur birds is perched on a rock, watching the Ice Age roll in from the horizon. "Note to self," he speaks into a tape recorder. "Feathers."

Jake
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-01-30 7:12 PM
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A man breaks into a house to look for money. Inside, he finds a
Young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
Chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on
Top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen,
This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
Spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
How he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
Complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
Nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
He'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
Ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you' re cute, and asked if we had any
Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love
You, too.'
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-01-31 9:18 AM
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After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission of Human
Rights approved t he new International Symbol of Marriage.



(marriage.JPG)



Attachments
----------------
Attachments marriage.JPG (60KB - 5 downloads)
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-01-31 6:46 PM
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So when are you tying the knot, Yoldering?
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-01-31 8:38 PM
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May 10,2008
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