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2008 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-02-01 1:03 PM
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Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Desmond. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit, paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Sanders, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Cristofaro, since he was youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defence attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you fools asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.

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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2008-02-08 10:55 AM
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One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because He wanted to encourage them......give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?








Okay, I was just wondering; I didn't get one either...
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cmonex Page Icon Posted 2008-02-08 12:15 PM
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heh, this was a crappy joke or i'm just not getting it.

Edited by cmonex 2008-02-08 12:15 PM
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-02-08 1:33 PM
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You just don't get it...
You are not in the 5% of the people that got the email. So you don't know what the email said...
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cmonex Page Icon Posted 2008-02-08 1:48 PM
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i got that part, but why is that funny
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-02-08 2:27 PM
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Cuz we all like to misbehave. (I didn't get the e-mail either. )
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-02-08 2:35 PM
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Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I
never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at
all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer.








She's such a witch.

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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-02-11 3:39 PM
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Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Des Moines Iowa. During the caucus,
to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.
One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

'Kenneth.'

'And what is your question, Kenneth?'

'I have three questions:
First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were
paid to develop during your husband's eight years in
the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President after
your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things
you took when you left the White House?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton
informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, 'Okay, where were
we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?'

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary
points to him and asks him what his name is.

'Larry.'

'And what is your question, Larry?'

'I have five questions:
First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were
paid to develop during your husband's eight years in
the office as President?
Second - why would you run for President after
your husband shamed the office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things
you took when you left the White House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20
minutes early?
And Fifth - what happened to Kenneth?'

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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-02-11 6:17 PM
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Gettin' a little partisan, are we, Yoldering?
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michelbel Page Icon Posted 2008-02-12 9:18 AM
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Quote
Richard Plume - 2008-02-07 4:55 PM

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were being good, because He wanted to encourage them......give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?


Need to check my inbox. Which of them do you mean?
The one with subject: 'You are so special to me' wound up in my Spambox and the content was deleted automatically.
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-02-12 2:58 PM
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LOL
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pkent Page Icon Posted 2008-02-13 2:37 PM
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In order to make a joke about a democrat, you must simultaneously make fun of two republicans, one independent, big business, big oil, right and wrong, christians, jews, muslims, and fox news, in order to not be considered partisan.

or just put Obama 08 in your sig line

Edited by pkent 2008-02-13 2:37 PM
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-02-13 2:58 PM
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Well...

The Difference Between Republican and Democrat Politicians

A couple of Republican and Democrat politicians were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats
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Nimel Page Icon Posted 2008-02-13 3:56 PM
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Kittens
-------------------------

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day.

By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is, "I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"

"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second" So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.

No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent. The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there,done-that" paramedics. Even worse, having being fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work,all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter... and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

"What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"

If they only knew.....

--------
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-02-13 4:54 PM
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Now that's funny.

Quote
pkent - 2008-02-13 11:37 AM

In order to make a joke about a democrat, you must simultaneously make fun of two republicans, one independent, big business, big oil, right and wrong, christians, jews, muslims, and fox news, in order to not be considered partisan.

or just put Obama 08 in your sig line


Much as I want to, I'm not allowed to under Forum rules.

Quote
Yoldering - 2008-02-13 11:58 AM

Well...

The Difference Between Republican and Democrat Politicians

A couple of Republican and Democrat politicians were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his card and told him to come to his office for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats


My experience has been a little different: the Democrat gives the man the $20 out of the Democrat's own pocket and, noting from the man's sign that the man is a military veteran, refers him to the VA, and later goes home and writes letters to his/her member of Congress and to the editor of the local newspaper describing the man's plight.

The Republican gives the man no money, says to him "Get a job!" and later scolds the Democrat for getting suckered by a liar who just wants the money for drugs.
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