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2008 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

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airhook Page Icon Posted 2008-02-13 5:35 PM
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Nimel, That one is a BEAUT!!!!
I really feel for the guy
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-02-13 6:25 PM
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The Republican gives the man no money, says to him "Get a job!" and later scolds the Democrat for getting suckered by a liar who just wants the money for drugs.



No, that would be the way I would handle it... No... but really... I'm not in office. I have no extra money to give to people who will not find a way to help themselves get on their feet... I try to help people who are having a hard time, not looking for a handout, and.... well I could go on. There is plenty of help out there already for people who need it.


Sorry for the joke, I will try not to share these kind of jokes any more

Edited by Yoldering 2008-02-13 6:25 PM
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2008-02-19 6:10 AM
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Ah, you can all see what I have been saying about the dangers of politicisation; polarisation and someone gets upset - and this is a jokes thread!
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-02-19 2:01 PM
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Well, you can't blame us - politics is rather a joke in itself anyway.
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-02-28 2:26 PM
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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? And if they aren’t you really needed to take a bath.
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you!
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-02-29 12:06 AM
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Ah, I love these - the eternal questions of life. I got another one: If Pac-Man keeps eating all those dots, why doesn't he gain any weight?

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Yoldering - 2008-02-28 11:26 AM
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?


This is the kinda stuff that reminds me that my line of work will never be obsolete.

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Yoldering - 2008-02-28 11:26 AM
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


You wanna check how many stars there are?

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Yoldering - 2008-02-28 11:26 AM
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


You're killing me, Larry! (Sorry - local joke.)

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Yoldering - 2008-02-28 11:26 AM
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


Be careful what you ask for, Mr. Groom-to-be - you might get it.

Quote
Yoldering - 2008-02-28 11:26 AM
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you!


Crud - now my secret's out.
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-03-03 10:47 AM
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Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"

"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."

"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."

"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."

"Three? When were they?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"

"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"

"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"

"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"

"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"

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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-03-03 4:50 PM
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". . . okay, so it was 19 times."
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-03-06 8:24 AM
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A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea,"
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know crap?"
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michelbel Page Icon Posted 2008-03-06 11:49 AM
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CE Geek - 2008-02-28 6:06 AM

Ah, I love these - the eternal questions of life. I got another one: If Pac-Man keeps eating all those dots, why doesn't he gain any weight?

:

It is the same as with the 0's and 1's in a computer: What happens to a 1 when we overwrite it with a 0?
And then , where does this new 0 come from? The answer is that ( like pacmans dots) they are not destroyed or created, but disappear into and appear from the computer's collective subconscious where all the 0's and 1's reside, to be reused. This subconscious is (nearly)infinite, otherwise we could not program terabytes or petabytes. The collective subconscious is in contact with all computers everywhere - therefore there always is a sufficiently amount of 1's or 0's - one pc can reuse a 1 another pc has dumped in the subconscious. Ware the day the worlds computers can consciously access this - they will become one big brain and take over the world by paranormal means...

Edited by michelbel 2008-03-06 11:49 AM
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-03-06 6:17 PM
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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2008-03-06 8:08 PM
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A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him.

She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe. So she had an idea of how to handle it. 

She asked a neighbour if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. The neighbour said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbour and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbour girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same woman was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The little girl said, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest," Timmy replied, "and her daughter Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?"

"Well," Timmy explained, "every night my mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!"
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2008-03-09 12:20 PM
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My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn't.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
For Sale :
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
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Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but
when they go, they take your house and car.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual
experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've
been divorced three times."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me
the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now pronounce you man and wife."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
--------------------------------------------------------------- --------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A state police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at only 22 m.p.h. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, and that all the old ladies were wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, however, the officer asked, "Is everyone in the car okay? Those women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-03-10 8:17 PM
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More philosophical questions:

I went to a bookstore and asked the salesperson, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Is there another word for "synonym"?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a "walk"?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an "algebra"?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, does the other one drown too?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2008-03-11 5:55 AM
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How is it possible to have a civil war? The English way!
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