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2008 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-06-02 2:25 PM
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The last one reminds me of one I read in Reader's Digest years ago:

Two men are at a bar talking about their marriages. One of them says, "Well, the last few years it seems like our sex life hasn't been as great as it used to. Don't get me wrong - my wife's a gorgeous woman, and she's really good to me. I figured it might be just me getting older, so I asked my doctor what I could do to improve our sex life. He suggested that I start running five miles a day. I've been doing that for a month now."

The other guy says, "So how does your wife feel about it so far?"

The first guy thinks for a moment and then says, "I don't know - I'll have to call her. I'm 150 miles from home."
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-06-04 9:07 AM
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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."



*************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************

On another Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business"
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit, please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************


On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************


On a Church's Billboard:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************


At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************


On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************


On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************


In a Nonsmoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office :

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************


At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************


Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************


At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************


In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home :
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station , "Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a

Chicago Radiator Shop:

"Best place in town to take a leak."
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-06-04 2:39 PM
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You forgot the oldest one (I also read this one in Reader's Digest):

Sign on door to IRS office:

"Sorry - we're open."
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HPCer Page Icon Posted 2008-06-04 4:48 PM
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don't for get this one:

Edited by HPCer 2008-06-04 4:49 PM




(no trespassing.jpg)



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Rich Hawley Page Icon Posted 2008-06-04 7:15 PM
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A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louis, the
minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-he re and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"
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btrimmer Page Icon Posted 2008-06-05 1:17 AM
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Quote
HPCer - 2008-06-04 4:48 PM

don't for get this one:


My favorite one (which I don't have a picture of) is over the door of a Travel Agency here in Cambridge, MA:

"Please Go Away.....Often"

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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-06-10 3:27 PM
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WHO IS JACK SCHITT


For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?


We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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HPCer Page Icon Posted 2008-06-10 4:38 PM
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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2008-06-11 12:06 PM
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A blond gets a job at the Tickle-Me-Elmo company, and on the second day the line comes to a halt.. production is down. The manager searches along the line to find the bottleneck and comes across the new blond, who was taking two marbles, putting them into a little cloth sack and sewing them onto the groin area of each Tickle-Me-Elmo.
The supervisor pulls her to the side, and says "No, No, No. You misunderstood my instructions. You were supposed to give each doll 'Two Test Tickles'."
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2008-06-18 2:10 PM
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There's no truth to the rumor that the DVD was invented by Dick Van Dyke.
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2008-06-19 10:48 AM
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Children Writing About The Ocean... Hysterical!


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an a$$hole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her big fat butt. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)


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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2008-06-20 10:26 AM
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Important Zen Teachings - Alternative Advice for Real Life

1. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

2. No one is listening until you fart.

3. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

4. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

5. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

10. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

11. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

13. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.

14. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

17. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our rear end... then things just get worse.

18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2008-06-20 10:39 AM
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Where Do Red-Headed Babies Come From????

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the bbstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!"

"Nonsense," the doctor said.

"Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. “This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.

"It's rust."
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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2008-06-27 10:27 AM
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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!'

One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
“YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!”
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2008-07-07 6:26 PM
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Peter Kay One Liners

1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'

2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

3) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

5) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

9) S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'

11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? No, me neither

14) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

15) I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

16) Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.


PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

8) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

9) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

10) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

11) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

12) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

13) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

14) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

15) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

16) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

17) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


SOME GREAT QUESTIONS BROUGHT TO YOU BY PETER KAY

1) Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2) If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3) Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4) Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bottom?

5) Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

6) Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

7) Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

8) Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

9) Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to horrible crisp no one would eat?
10) Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

11) Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

12) What do people in China call their good quality plates?

13) Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

14) What do you call male ballerinas?

15 ) If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16 ) If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17 ) Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.

NICKNAME
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other As Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even Though it's only for £32.50.
None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving Cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M+S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.
She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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