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2009 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

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michelbel Page Icon Posted 2010-02-02 8:57 PM
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H/PC Philosopher

Posts:
263
Location:
Naarden, Netherlands (~15 miles from Amsterdam)
Status:
Citing takwu: " USB Hosts are for Clients, not slaves. Only a master has slaves."
I assume you are not a Client of a mortgage bank, otherwise you would know there is no obvious difference...
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2010-02-03 1:34 PM
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H/PC Vanguard

Posts:
2,576
Location:
The Lone Star State
Status:
Two Woodpeckers...




A Mexican
woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in
Mexico arguing about
which country had the toughest trees. The
Mexican woodpecker claimed
Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could
peck.




The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and
promptly pecked a
hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican
woodpecker was
amazed.


The Canadian woodpecker then challenged
the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada
that was absolutely
'impeckable' (a term frequently used by
woodpeckers ). The Mexican
woodpecker expressed confidence that he could
do it and accepted the
challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican
woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called
'impeckable' tree
almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now
terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian
woodpecker was able
to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican
woodpecker was able to
peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to
peck the tree in
their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:


Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're
away from home.




Hey, I'm just the
messenger!!!
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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2010-02-11 9:39 PM
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H/PC Philosopher

Posts:
389
Location:
Toronto, Canada
Status:
Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever.
I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had
cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of
your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or
anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me
or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband


P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia
together!
Have a great life!



Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I
have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what
you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant
whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a
hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just
like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't
say something nice, I didn't comment.

And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk
boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on
them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50
from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it
out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my
job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you
were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope
you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that
the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was
born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
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takwu Page Icon Posted 2010-02-12 5:49 PM
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H/PC Elder

Posts:
1,952
Location:
BC, Canada
Status:
Mmm it's February and we still don't have a 2010 thread
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2010-02-12 6:12 PM
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H/PC Vanguard

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Location:
The Lone Star State
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Too Funny!!!



(Funny.JPG)



Attachments
----------------
Attachments Funny.JPG (86KB - 0 downloads)
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2010-02-15 8:45 PM
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Administrator
H/PC Oracle

Posts:
15,913
Location:
United Kingdom
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An Australian man is seeking to join the Police Force. The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

----

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it.....don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
And suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
And suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
And suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like..
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2010-02-17 6:40 PM
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H/PC Oracle

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What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between Your Breasts,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole,
And Works Best When Jerked?
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Alt Bass Page Icon Posted 2010-02-17 7:56 PM
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H/PC Sensei

Posts:
1,132
Location:
Russia
Status:
The result of boosting the sense of grandeur.

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thcrw739 Page Icon Posted 2010-02-17 9:47 PM
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H/PC Sensei

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1,004
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Las Vegas, NV
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Quote
C:Amie - 2010-02-17 10:40 AM

What Gets Longer When Pulled,
Fits Between Your Breasts,
Inserts Neatly in a Hole,
And Works Best When Jerked?


A seatbelt?

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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2010-02-17 9:52 PM
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Global Moderator
H/PC Oracle

Posts:
12,341
Location:
Southern California
Status:
Very good, thcrw739. I'm disappointed I didn't figure it out.
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2010-02-17 10:09 PM
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H/PC Vanguard

Posts:
2,576
Location:
The Lone Star State
Status:
I copied the question and pasted it into google and found the answer.... I laughed but could not bring myself to answer it because I would have cheated...
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2010-02-21 10:50 AM
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Administrator
H/PC Oracle

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15,913
Location:
United Kingdom
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