2009 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

Welcome to the 2009 Jokes, humour and funny stuff thread.

Feel free to kicks back and post anything that you think other forum remembers will enjoy or find titilating.

Please remember that all posts should remain within the rules outlined in the forum charter and keep in mind that this is a family forum.

Dear friends
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 40, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina.
Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme!

SCROLL DOWN.............



































NOW SCROLL UP..

That's enough for the first day. Great job.

Have a glass of wine.


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Gordon the Rooster

Tony the farmer was in the fertilised egg business He had several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.

Tony kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Tony could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Farmer Tony's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Tony noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!

Tony went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Tony's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business and walk on to the next one.

Tony was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Peace Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Do you know a Politician called Gordon?

Gordon the Rooster
Nice one !!

Two old men had been best friends for years, and they both live to their early 90s, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill.
His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favour. I want to know if there's rugby in heaven."
The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, so I'll do this for you." He then promptly dies.
A couple of days later, the surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his dead friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's rugby in heaven."
"What's the bad news?"
"The bad news is that you're playing on Wednesday."

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men…

The very first line is quite correct

Guidelines to development on the HOLLYWOOD OPERATING SYSTEM

1. Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function.

2. Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. In the movies, modems transmit data at two gigabytes per second.

3. When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

4. If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also disappears from the screen. There are no ways to copy a backup file -- and there are no undelete utilities.
Corollary: Deleting a file instantly removes all copies of said file from disks, memory, frame buffers and caches across all computers in the universe.

5. If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

6. No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms.

7. The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has. However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labeled.

8. Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three-dimensional, real-time, photo-realistic animated graphics capability.

9. Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY.

10. Whenever a character looks at a terminal, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face.

11. Computers never crash during key, high-intensity activities. Humans operating computers never make mistakes under stress.

12. (From Independence Day) No matter what kind of virus it is, any computer can be infected with it -- even an alien spaceship's computer -- simply by running a virus upload program on a laptop.

13. (From Jurassic Park) A custom system with millions of lines of code controlling a multimillion dollar theme park can be operated by a 13 year old who has seen a Unix system before. Seeing an operating system means you
know how to run any application on that system, even custom apps.
Note: What OS was it really running?
(1) "These are super computers". A CrayOS?
(2) "Quicktime movie, Apple logo, trash can." MacOS?
(3) "Reboot. System ready. C:\" DOS?
(4) "Hey, this is Unix. I know this" Unix?
The computers in Jurassic Park were Cray supercomputers running the MacOS as a graphical shell of DOS all layered on top of a Unix base.

14. You cannot stop a destructive program or virus by unplugging the computer. Presumably the virus has it's own built-in power supply.

15. You cannot stop a destructive program downloading onto your system by unplugging the phone line. You must figure out the mandatory "back door" all evil virus programmers put in.

16. Computers only crash if a virus or a hacker is involved.

17. All text must be at least 72 point.

18. Word processors do not have an insert point.

19. The only way to reboot is to shut off the main power to the building.

20. Passwords can be guessed in three and exactly three tries. If you cannot guess the password in three tries, you must give up immediately.

21. Any task or program can be executed by simply pressing Enter, no matter which program or window is in the foreground.

22. All scanners, video cameras and digital cameras have a resolution of approximately 500 megapixels. Any image can be infinitely magnified with no pixelization.

23. Security will not improve over time. Nonaffialiated personnel can take over a space ship without needing an account or access control.
Corollary: Anyone can override access control lists in the future.

24. All hackers wear black T-shirts or Hawaiian shirts.

25. Incoming messages are displayed letter by letter. Email over the Internet works like telegraphs.

26. Microsoft Windows doesn't exist. Macintosh has a 75% market share.

27. GUI operations, such as image selection and manipulation, can be handled easily and quickly via the keyboard.

Perhaps the funniest thing I've seen today:
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=2009+jokes&meta=

Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

Given the excitement at CES 2009 (re: http://www.hpcfactor.com/forums/forums/thread-view.asp?tid=13493&po...) here's the next big thing (via the Onion News Network...)

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/apple_introduces_revolutionar...

They just need to make a H/PC version.

Aww, you just know that Jobs is going to do that now don't you

And a load of saps will actually offer hard cash for it :/

They don't scrimp on production value at the Onion do they!

actually, he had to guess alot before he got the feel of it. so this part of the joke is a bit less than satisfactory for me anyway but I only read the book (where he actually had trouble), I did not see the movie. maybe the movie is different.

In Honour of Stupid People . . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) --
'Do not turn upside down.'
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

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On Sainsbury's peanuts --
'Warning: contains nuts.'
(talk about a news flash)

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On Boot's Children Cough Medicine --
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking
this medication.'
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we
could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

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On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding --
'Product will be hot after heating.'
(...and you thought????...)

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On a Sears hairdryer --
Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

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On a bag of Fritos --
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

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On a bar of Dial soap --
'Directions: Use like regular soap.'
(and that would be???....)

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On some Swanson frozen dinners --
'Serving suggestion: Defrost.'
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

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On packaging for a Rowenta iron --
'Do not iron clothes on body.'
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

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On Nytol Sleep Aid --
'Warning: May cause drowsiness.'
(..I'm taking this because???.....)

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On most brands of Christmas lights --
'For indoor or outdoor use only.'
(as opposed to what?)

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On a Japanese food processor --
'Not to be used for the other use.'
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

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On an American Airlines packet of nuts --
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.'
(Step 3: say what?)

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On a child's Superman costume --
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.'
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

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On a Swedish chainsaw --
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.'
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light*****

Bail-Out Explained



Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”

Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”

The farmer said, “Can't do that . . . I went and spent it already.”

Chuck said, “Ok, then, just bring me the horse.”

The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”

Chuck said, “I'm going to raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can't raffle off a dead horse!”

Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me.. I just won't tell any body he's dead.”

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that horse?”

Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “Didn't anyone complain?”

Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".

Very nice

At least he could account for where all the bailout money went.