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2009 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2009-11-09 5:29 AM
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A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2009-11-20 12:54 PM
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D, 24, 34" .

When she walks into a room, people say, "My God."
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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2009-11-28 3:57 PM
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Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a
sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. One of the young women pressed
her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.

"That was my pager," she said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my
arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm
to her ear. When she finished, she explained, "That was my mobile phone. I
have a microchip in my hand."

The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had
to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went
to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her
rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.

The older woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that!... I'm getting
a fax!"

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takwu Page Icon Posted 2009-12-05 12:16 AM
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LOL richard, that one was good.

However I must be showing my age by getting it

I must also note that HPC ppl like to have mobile printers... I suppose that fax machine also prints
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2009-12-05 3:26 AM
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That one's been going around for a while. My sister e-mailed me that one some time ago.

Quote
C:Amie - 2009-11-09 2:29 AM

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.


C-130? Was that an H/PC released by Compaq between the C-120 and the C-140?
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C:Amie Page Icon Posted 2009-12-05 4:59 AM
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It was the military version

Occupational Truths?

An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)

A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful woman enters the room.

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.

A schoolteacher is a disillusioned person who used to think s/he liked children.

A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

----------

A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man.

"I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, please come to my house!"

"But sir, I have a wife and four children..."

"Bring them along!" the rich man said.

They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"


------

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

--------

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

--------

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

--------

A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

--------

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.

And what did the Russian do?

The Russians used a pencil.
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2009-12-05 5:50 PM
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C:Amie - 2009-12-05 1:59 AM
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful woman enters the room.


So that's why I never got my PhD.
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takwu Page Icon Posted 2009-12-11 5:18 PM
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I must be a natural psychologist

And I have heard the space pen vs pencil thing too many times However I don't understand why the pencil dust never causes any concern to the Russians. My electronics lab teacher forbids the use of pencils in the lab at all times.

Edited by takwu 2009-12-11 5:22 PM
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Rich Hawley Page Icon Posted 2009-12-11 5:54 PM
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Probably your lab has more graphite sensitive equipment than is found in the soviet spacecraft....
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PDXMark Page Icon Posted 2009-12-11 7:03 PM
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A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd.. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"

One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied..

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
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Alt Bass Page Icon Posted 2009-12-12 4:57 AM
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takwu - 2009-12-12 1:18 AM
However I don't understand why the pencil dust never causes any concern to the Russians. My electronics lab teacher forbids the use of pencils in the lab at all times.

He must have not heard about smooth pencils, they do not leave much dust.
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michelbel Page Icon Posted 2009-12-12 3:51 PM
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Some weeks ago I hit my head badly. I am totally recovered now, but then I could not even remember that the six cows of the week are alpha, Margareth and baccillus.
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CE Geek Page Icon Posted 2009-12-18 3:29 AM
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Hilarious vid about the UMPC taken to the extreme:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bmeIkXVv2Po&feature=related
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Richard Plume Page Icon Posted 2009-12-20 10:52 AM
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Ode to Tiger Woods

Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger’s wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you’re gettin' laid then I’m gettin' paid."
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year!!
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Yoldering Page Icon Posted 2009-12-21 11:42 AM
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That was GREAT!
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