2009 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

Sorry....this is TOO FUNNY not to forward!!!!!
Read the ENTIRE thing . . .



COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY



Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2009
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty







Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2009
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty








Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2009
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table,

you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads,

"AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that

$10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.





Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2009
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,

which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate

how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the

Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to

take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant

women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have

their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food.

The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply

"no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty





Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: October 5, 2009
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House

whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death,"

as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.

I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!



Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2009
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone

the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!



Joan

The B from H hehehe

Nice one Yoldering.

As a trucker in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, ‘Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.”
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load.’
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door
The trucker lowers the window again she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you are losing some of your load!’

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde

He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says.......

Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm driving a gritter!'

For the benefit of us Yanks, should I assume that a "gritter" is a sanding truck?

If "sanding trucks" are used to spread grit and sal on roads to stop you from sliding about in cold weather, then assume you may

There is a blonde in many of your stories

You think I'm over-compensating?

Aah for the good old days !



HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario 1: Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.

1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.

2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.


Scenario 2: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins.. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.


Scenario 3: Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.

1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.


Scenario 4: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.


Scenario 5: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.

2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario 6: Pedro fails high school English.

1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that learning English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario 7: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.

1957 - Ants die.

2010- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario 8: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.




Edited by Richard Plume 2010-01-14 8:47 AM

Truth... not that I remember 1957, I'm not THAT old.

I still haven't seen C:Amie's hair (rumor has it he keeps it in a box at home), but I'm guessing it's grayscale.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even mend his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you because you're not a monk.



The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.



The monks again accept him, feed him, and even mend his car.


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.




The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

We can't tell you because you're not a monk.


The man says, all right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles on the earth.



The monks reply, congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk ..

We shall now show you the way to the sound.




The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.


The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key ?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...
...silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door .



The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight







.. But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Heh ok you got me

BTW people you do realize this thread is (was) for 2009 right?

The importance of walking

1. Walking 20 minutes can add to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

2. We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our skulls. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

3. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

4. The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5. I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

6. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. …apparently you have to actually go there.

7. Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

11. I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years... just getting over the hill was enough.

12. My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old, and we don't have a clue where the hell he is.

13. Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Ever notice how people driving up to health clubs hold up traffic in the parking lot so they can get a space near the entrance, so they won't have to walk as far?

Uhm, yes. But they often also have sauna's there and then there is this cold weather...