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Sticky Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff
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C:Amie
Posted 2015-01-01 5:29 PM
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2015 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

This is the official off topic forum for posting your (tasteful) jokes, humour and generally entertaining internet forum fodder.

Please keep in mind that this forum is considered "PG" so please post accordingly.

The 2014 version of this thread can be viewed here.
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C:Amie
Posted 2015-01-01 5:30 PM
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After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, then said, "you're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "what does that mean?"

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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C:Amie
Posted 2015-02-03 11:54 AM
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Paddy says to Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."

Mick says, "I had that done when I was a few days old."

Paddy asks, "Does it Hurt?"

Mick says, " Well I couldn't walk for 18months.."
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C:Amie
Posted 2015-02-07 10:01 AM
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.”
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Rich Hawley
Posted 2015-02-07 1:19 PM
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That was funny!
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C:Amie
Posted 2015-02-23 8:49 AM
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"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for
words, such as, "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or "to
write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held
every year in an undisclosed location.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. ..

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. ..

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. ..

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. ..

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. ..

A boiled egg is hard to beat. ..

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a 3 year old was resisting a rest. ..

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's
all right now. ..

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. ..

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. ..

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered. ..

He had a photographic memory which was never developed. ..

When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye. ..

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop: .. Those who get too big for their
pants will be totally exposed in the end.
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C:Amie
Posted 2015-03-15 10:28 AM
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Waiting in a lay-by ready to catch speeding drivers, a police officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his siren and flashing lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Madam," the policeman replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" ......the old woman says, a bit proudly.

The policeman, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the policeman for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, madam, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We've just come off the A120."
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C:Amie
Posted 2015-03-30 6:26 PM
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An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard and the old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Even neighbors feared him.

He died of a heart attack at 98. After the burial, the neighbors, concerned for the wife safety, asked her "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions.


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Florida woman stops alligator attack with a small Beretta pistol......

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator. What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jet fire testimonial.... Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a bayou just outside of Fort Lauderdale in alligator alley with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jet fire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.... The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. It's one of the best pistols in my collection!

Plus the amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible!"

-----------

A Liverpool girl goes to the office to register for child benefit "How many
children?" asks the welfare officer "Ten" replies the Liverpool girl "Ten?"
says the welfare worker "What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or
'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it"
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare
worker "That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

------------

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.

------------


Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

------------

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policeman.

------------


Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day.

------------

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare
and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints
slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches
the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God!
The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets
go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all
my life is completely gone! It's a Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefit.

-------------

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious
object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disk.
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michelbel
Posted 2015-06-09 8:38 PM
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I found my IMB is less than 1/25 .
So according to the dietist I am undertall.



The late late news:
That was the weather for today. More weather tomorrow.


The only things that never come at the right time are death and taxis.


Edited by michelbel 2015-06-09 8:46 PM
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MontyOnTheRun
Posted 2015-06-17 3:48 AM
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If you're undertall, and since I'm posting after you (and I'm newer here), I'm a neo-undertall (my god, I can imagine you guys trying yo gouge your eyes off!)

Edited by MontyOnTheRun 2015-06-17 3:49 AM
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C:Amie
Posted 2015-06-17 8:43 AM
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• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it….
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, apparently they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
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C:Amie
Posted 2015-08-01 10:18 AM
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
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C:Amie
Posted 2015-08-15 9:22 AM
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Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'



A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


One more.. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

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Yoldering
Posted 2015-09-18 5:46 PM
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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house............. and left it there all night.
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C:Amie
Posted 2016-01-17 5:11 PM
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The rain was pouring down. And there, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub,
was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and
have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman cannot resist asking,
"So how many have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth" says the old man.....

----------

Only in This Stupid World......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the Store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


Only in This Stupid World.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in This Stupid World.....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters..

Only in This Stupid World ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put Our useless junk in the garage.

Only in This Stupid World ...........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in Packages of eight..

Only in This Stupid World .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens Our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why don't you ever see the Headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made With artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who Invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of Day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there Mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why isn't there Cat flavoured Dog food? .

Why didn't Noah Swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the Needle for lethal injections?

You know that Indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep Shrink when it rains?

Why are they called Apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of Pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so Safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
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