2010 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

Welcome to the 2010 Jokes, humour and funny stuff thread.

Feel free to kick back and post anything that you think other forum remembers will enjoy.

Please remember that all posts should remain within the rules outlined in the forum charter and keep in mind that this is a family forum.

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, 'Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be? The woman did not hesitate. She said, 'I want peace in the Middle East'. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, 'Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable.'
The woman thought for a minute and said, ' Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man.'
The genie let out a SIGH, rolled his eyes and said, 'OK..... let me see that map again...'


------


You have to understand the dialect to get this one:
Two Glasgow young men, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.


"Ach, it's all going like magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organized already - the flowers, the Church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...."

Archie nods approvingly. "Man, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!"
continues Jock.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's great , you'll look pure smart in that!
And what's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white."


----


The US Navy found they had too many officers and non com's and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a non commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.


The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. Dear Lord!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?"


The old Chief calmly replied, "Vietnam."

Geez, it took some major cajones just to write that.



Given what he's calling her, should she really be dressed in white?

These 3 kids are sitting around talking about their dads smoking.

First one says : You know, My dad can blow smoke out of his nose !

the other 2 say, eh thats nothin.

2nd one say's : Well my dad can blow smoke out of his eyes !

1st says wow !, really? , 3rd kid says eh that still nothin !

3rd one says : Well my Dad can blow smoke out of his butt !

the other 2 go, bull, i dont belive it, how do you know ?

3rd kids say's : Because i seen the nicotine stains in his underwear !

Way, way TMI.

Oh dear
Nil points

The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

'I should be in charge,' said the brain,
'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'


'I should be in charge,' said the blood ,
'because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.'



'I should be in charge,' said the stomach ,
'because I process food and give all of you energy.'


'I should be in charge,' said the legs,
'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'


'I should be in charge,' said the eyes,
'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'


'I should be in charge,' said the rectum,
'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'


All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The butt hole is usually the one in charge!

heh a whole new meaning for the term A-hole

We're off to a real good start here, aren't we?

Okay, blonde joke time again.

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

The DARK Side Of Women...



A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.

She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so bad she broke down and sobbed.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.'

heh best day indeed!

And my password is:
LukeLeiaHanChewy3POR2BenVaderCoruscant

The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck' and I started jumping up and down along with her.

She said, "I have some really great news!"

I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily, from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for awhile so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"

Then she said, "There's more."

I asked, "What do you mean there's more."

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said....






(You're going to love this!)














"Well, that was the easy part. I went to the chemist and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about next time you see a bottle of wine:


Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly woman walking on the side of the road…

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The old woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade".

I've heard that one a little differently.

Two women were chatting at work, and one said to the other, "Hey, I got a dog for my husband."

The other woman said, "So?"

The first woman replied, "Well, c'mon, I think that's a pretty good trade!"