2010 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

Jan, Sue and Lois haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Lois walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She, too, shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Lois explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend who was a Greet Beret, Gene. He retired from special forces and now they run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Gene can stand five parrots, side by side, on his (you know what).

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Lois says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Bob and the Blonde


Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building
preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar.

The guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did, too. But I didn't think he'd do it again."


Bob took the money...

GREAT!!!!!

Yeah nice one

Why some men prefer spending time with their guns over their women... Come on people this is a joke!!!

#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason
Why some Men Prefer Guns over women.....









#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun!

Marriage is like a pack of cards.
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade.

Yoldering, if your wife carries a gun, I hope she doesn't see that "top ten" list.

A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. Almost feels like a hybrid.

Maybe that's why my golf game sux so bad - I don't drink.

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

That is so freaking funny!!!!!!

To Be 6 Again!

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her birthday.

"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!"


The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.



Edited by Richard Plume 2010-11-25 1:10 AM

A 747 is over flying the Pacific Ocean when the pilot comes over the intercom: "Folks, we've lost an engine. No cause for alarm because we can fly safely on three. We will, however, be an hour late in reaching our destination." Half an hour later the pilot comes over the intercom: "We've lost another engine. No cause for alarm because we can fly safely on two. We will, however, be two hours late in reaching our destination." A short while later the pilot comes over the intercom: "We've lost yet another engine. Still no cause for alarm because we can fly safely on one. We will, however, be three hours late in reaching our destination." One annoyed passenger turned to the other one seated next to him and said, "If that fourth engine quits, we'll be up here all night!"




A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he's going.

"I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."

The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?"

"My wife", comes the reply.




Here's a French grammar joke I learnt from a book.
Two cats, a French one and an English one, are out in a race to swim across the Channel. The French one in called "Un,Deux,Trois" while the English one is called "One,Two,Three".
After several hours, "One,Two,Three" wins. How come?

Because Un,Deux,Trois,Quatre,Cinq.




Whats the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot ?

One is an australian marsupial and the other is a geordie stuck in a lift

That annoyed passenger wouldn't happen to be blonde, would (s)he?

While we're talking about hair, here's a slogan for bald men: "A man's comb is his hassle."