2010 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden Ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.
"No mate, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

SCOUSERS JOIN FERRARI

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,

Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

You might call that "the blind leading the blonde."

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related. This means that the remaining 77% are caused by people that just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and similar substances. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

A woman takes a lover home during the day
while her husband is at work.

Her 9year old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing
that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is..'
Boy: 'I have a baseball.'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time,
asks the boy, How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy , 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..

Wait For It !!

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now.

(this is bad, really bad)

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.

"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied:



"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

Wow thanks, a musical comedy

Thanx for lowering our expectations, C:Amie.

What are frields for

Fields?

friends

hahaha.....

That last joke reminds me of the great relief baseball pitcher Milfamee.

Milfamee was the greatest relief pitcher of all times. Any time the team was in trouble, they'd call on Milfamee to come up to the plate. He'd throw strike after strike after strike...and always win the game for them.

One year Milfamee's team was number one, and they were red hot. Milfamee had hardly ever been called to the plate that year. So as it happened, the night before the big playoff game, Milfamee went out and got totally smashed. Then he brought several cases of Budweiser to the locker room and drank them as well.

Well the next day, his team was in trouble...big time. So they called on Milfamee to do his stuff. Milfamee staggered out to the mound and threw the best he could. But it was ball after ball after ball. The other team didn't even have to swing, and after about 15 minutes the game was over with the other team scoring 5 runs without ever swinging the bat.

Milfamee felt so bad, he went into the showers and drowned himself. The other team hearing this rushed into the locker room, staring at his body when one of the players opened his locker and saw all the empty cans.

"Aha," said one of the players, "That explains it."

"Explains what," asked another player?

"Don't you see," said the first, "That's the beer that made Milfamee walk us."

Is this culturally significant, because I don't get it?