2010 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

You made me recall an old Jan Murray joke: he went to the doctor's office one day with laryngitis. When he knocked on the door, the nurse answered.

Jan whispered hoarsely, "Is the doctor in?"

The nurse replied in a whisper herself, winking: "No, come on in."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


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A couple wins a trip to an expensive golf resort. When they arrive, they decided to head straight to the front nine and get in a few holes in before dinner. As the man was getting ready to make his first drive on hole one, he stopped and looked down the fairway and all the way down on both sides were huge houses that had to be worth at least $500,000. He then looked at his wife and said,

"Honey, Let's be real careful not to make any mistakes on this course. I would hate to pay for something around here. Some of these windows are probably worth more than my car."

The man then takes his first swing. SLICE!!!! The ball heads straight for a house and goes through the window. The man looks over at his wife and says,"Let's go see what the damage is."

They come up to the front door and ring the door bell. A large man opens the door and holds the golf ball up. "Is this yours", he says.

The husband apologizes and offers the man some money to pay for the window.The large man says, that won't be necessary, please come in my home. He brings the couple to the living room where the window was broken. He said "
I am so happy your ball came through that window. Do you see that broken Vase on the coffee table."

The couple nodded wondering where this conversation was going.

"I am a genie, and I have been stuck in that damn vase for over 1000 years.You have freed me and for that I am willing to give you each a wish. The third one I will use on myself" The genie looks over to the man and says,"What will your wish be sir?"

The man replies, "I have always wanted to have my own chain of restaurants"

The genie says, "Done, You own your own chain of restaurants. Now what can I do for you Mrs.?"

The women replies, "I have always wanted to own my own chain of Beauty Salons."

The genie says, "Done, you own your own chain of Beauty Salons."

The man then looks at the genie and asks, "What is your wish going to be?"

The Genie replies, "As I said earlier, I have been in that damn vase for over 1000 years and for over a 1000 years I haven't had sex. My wish is to take your wife upstairs and have sex with her for 3 hours."

The man looks at his wife and they both agreed since they both got what they wanted. The woman and the Genie went upstairs to the bedroom while the man stayed downstairs watching TV. After 3 hours the Genie and the woman start
walking back down the stairs.

The women looks at the genie and says, "That was amazing!

The genie looks at her and says, "What's amazing is your husband believes in Genies!"

Little Johnny's dad was a farmer in a poor district of the country. One day his Uncle John came to visit.
Since there were limited accommodations, he was required to sleep with his young nephew, Little Johnny.

When Uncle John came into the bedroom, he saw the Little Johnny kneeling at the side of the bed with
his head bowed.

Thinking this was the child's religious upbringing, he decided to present a good example and kneeled at
the other side of the bed with his head bowed.

Little Johnny looked up and said, "Whatcha doin'?"

"Why, the same thing you're doing", replied Uncle John.

"Ma's gonna be mad", said Little Johnny. "The pot's on this side".

A man was stopped at a checkpoint on the way home from a visit to Mexico. The blond border guard said, "Get out of the car and open the trunk!"

The traveler replied, "I'm sorry, but the handbrake on the car is broken. I can't take my foot off the brake or it'll roll backwards!"

The guard, "Do you take me for a FOOL?! That won't keep me from inspecting things!"

He gets into the car himself, in the passenger's seat, and applies the brake himself.

"Now," he says, "That takes care of that, now go and open the trunk!!"

So the traveler complies and opens the trunk of the car.

"Now", shouts the guard from inside the car, "Are there any drugs or contraband in there?

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?

Q&A from an Irish Quiz Show

Name a bird with a long neck ?
A. Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A. Burglar

Where is the Taj mahal ?
A. Opposite the dental hospital

What was Hitler's first name ?
A. Heil

As happy as....[The Host of the show gave a hint:"think of my name"] A.
A. A pig in sh*t

Some famous brothers ?
A. Bonnie and Clyde

Something that floats in a bath
A. Water

An item of clothing worn by the three musketeers ?
A horse

Something you wear on a beach ? A.
A deckchair

A famous royal ?
A. Mail

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine ? A.
A bicycle with wings

A famous bridge ?
A. Bridge over troubled waters

Something a cat does ?
A. Go to the toilet

Something you do in the bathroom ?
A. Decorate

A method of securing your home ?
A. Put the kettle on

Something associated with pigs ?
A. The police

A sign of the zodiac ?
A. April

Something people might be allergic to ?
A. Skiing

Something you do before you go to bed ?
A. Sleep

Something you put on walls ? A.
A roof

A kind of Ache ? A.
A fillet of fish

Something slippery ?
A. A conman

A jacket potato topping ?
A. Jam

A food that can be brown or white ?
A. A Potato

A famous Scotsman ?
A. Jock

Something you open other than a door ?
A. Your bowels


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A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door.
"Harro!" says the Japanese man.
"Gudday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! no ! mate, where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I tor you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'w h e e l i e' bin?'"
"OK, OK." replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear.....
"I wheelie bin having sex wirra wife's sista!"


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There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL ). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later...
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

So it wasn't logical afterall for the man to pull down his pants! Dang the song's stuck again... Pants on the ground. Pants on the ground? Sorry I had to share it.

If men actually considered the consequences and outcomes of having them on the ground... they'd be padlocked up

Sort of a male chastity belt?

Aye

Having her hair done at a West Hempstead, NY, beauty parlor, a woman told a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The story deserves a wider audience.

On a recent weekend in Atlantic City the woman related, she won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.

As she was about to walk into the elevator, she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... Very big... An intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her.

She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face burned.

She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.

Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor."

Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed.

More seconds passed.

She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet.

"When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am. He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.

She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were robbing you? She didn't know.

The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while they walked back to the elevator.

The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.

The next morning flowers were delivered to her room ~ a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years".

It was signed, Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard

Looks like that story's been around for a while: http://www.snopes.com/racial/mistaken/hitfloor.asp

It's still a good one, though.

BBQ RULES

We are now entering the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

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The next time you hear a politician use the
Word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about
Whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of
Putting that figure into some perspective in
One of it's releases.

A.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

B.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

C.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were
Living in the Stone Age.

D.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

E.
A billion Pounds ago was only
13 hours and 12 minutes,
At the rate our government
Is spending it.


Stamp Duty
Tobacco Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Council Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing License Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Inheritance Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
V.A.T.
Marriage License Tax
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
And our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world...
And Mum stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?
Can you spell 'politicians!'

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE


A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:



'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.



Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.



After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'



*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.



*******************************



FEMALE PROCEDURE:

(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)



1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Re-dial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Heh the last one is so true

BTW for #17, "check" is spelled "cheque", my American friend