2010 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

Maybe where you come from, but not in these parts, son.

Subject: Election Day


While walking down the street one day a Member of Parliament is
tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,
you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and
standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who
had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who
has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator
rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.
Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls
moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a
good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and
St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now
choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren
land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I
don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was
a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
champagne, and danced and had a great time.. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.


What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were
campaigning...

Today you voted.

And the moral of the story? Democracy leads to hell?

No, dishonest campaigning does (speaking as a candidate for elected office myself).

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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head. In a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want 2 lanes or 4 on that bridge? "

HAHAHAH...good one! I send that to my girlfriend. She is always a mistery, I can never understand her.

I could not help myself!






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I agree!

Ah, you male chauvinists. I do my own laundry. ('Course, the fact that I'm a bachelor may have something to do with that. )

Male chauvinists are a bad thing, but female feminists are a good thing... yet female feminists wouldnt do the laundry either... so who exactly IS supposed to do the laundry?

Ponder on these imponderables for a minute:-

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail
?

17.. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend £1.50 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

------

A banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.

As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' sobs the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror and screams........'Where's my Rolex????...

------

Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see's his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep <<<>>>.'

HAHAHHAHAAAAAHAHA!...

CREATIVE PUNS FOR "EDUCATED MINDS"




1.. The roundest knight at King Arthur 's round table was Sir Cumference... He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .


3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.


4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of maths disruption.


5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.


6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.


7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.


8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here; I'll go on a head..'


11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.


12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: 'Keep off the Grass.'


13. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'


14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.


16. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.


17. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care or pension for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 MP’s and 2 Senior Government Officials. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!