2013 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

2013 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

This is the official off topic forum for posting your (tasteful) jokes, humour and generally entertaining internet forum fodder.

Please keep in mind that this forum is considered "PG" so please post accordingly.

The 2011/2012 version of this thread can be viewed here.

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus, me brother?"

The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"

By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher,



"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"


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I before E...
except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

I just realised that "never" is a contraction of "not ever"

... and "blush" is a contraction of "blood rush"

... also that "studying" is a contraction of "student dying".

Speaking of studying . . .

Chemistry student: Can we talk about sodium today?
Professor: Na.
Student: How about potassium, then?
Professor: K.

nice one!

Context: Scandal here in the UK when horse meat was found in "beef" burgers.

1. A woman has been taken to hospital after eating horse meat burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.
2. Is it only the mini-burgers that contain horse meat? You know, the horse d'oeuvres.
3. Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yea or Neigh?
4. A Tesco burger walks into a bar and says "Pint please". "I can't hear you" says the barman. "Sorry" replies the burger, "I'm a little bit horse".
5. Those Aldi horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony
6. Scientist: "Sir, we've discovered horse meat in your burgers." Tesco boss: "Why the long face?".
7. There was an old woman who swallowed a horse, she'd been to Tesco, of course.
8. I really hope they launch a steward's inquiry into the Tesco horse meat scandal. We must find out hoof to blame.
9. Horsemeat has been found in Tesco Products but a spokesman says it's all bollocks.
10. I get all my horse meat from an independent dodgy butcher.
11. Has anyone tested Tesco's veggie burgers for uniquorn yet?
12. 29% of the meat content in Tesco's hamburgers turns out to be horse. No wonder they gave me the trots!
13. Horse meat in Tesco burgers: it's been in there a fur-a-long time!
14. Best burger recipe: mince meat, garlic powder, paprika, fresh herbs, an egg and fine diced stallions ... I mean ... scallions.
15. Two Tesco burgers please.. hold the dressage.
16. Just found some out of date burgers... and they're off!
17. I got fired from the meat factory because I got an e-mail about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.
18. Apparently there's a poll of Tesco's customers to find their opinions on horse meat ... conducted of course by Gallup.
19. So horse meat has been found in Tesco burgers. What's next? Traces of zebra in barcodes?
20. Tranquillisers: every little helps.
21. You can lead a horse to the industrial size meat grinder, but you can't sell him in Tesco.
22. Good thing about these horse puns is it's stopped all the sick Jimmy Saddle jokes.

I take it no one's been saying, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse."

I don't see the big deal about it all...I ate dog meat when I was in the Phillipines and horsemeat more than once when in VietNam... Still, I liked the jokes.

I guess some people would be unhappy about it...but those people are always whinneying about something...

I have to canter-argue, Rich......I think you're missing the mane point.

Sorry, don't mean to stirrup trouble.......

Some horse d'oevres, Rich?

I don't mean to upset horse lovers, but in Japan, there's a can called "New Corned Beef" which is 80% horse meat and 20% beef. It's sold in a lot of supermarkets. Cultural differences...

Saw this on Facebook today:

4 Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


(Wait for it)


She smiled and explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

An oldie but goodie:





Attachments
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A guy asked a girl in a library; "Do you mind if I sit beside you"?
The girl answered with a loud voice; I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!!!
All the students in the library started staring at the guy and he was embarrassed. 
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and she told him 
"I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed right?"

The guy responded with a loud voice: "$200 JUST FOR ONE NIGHT!? THAT'S TOO> MUCH!!! 

And all the people in the library looked at the girl in shock and the guy whispered in her ears;> "I study Law and I know how to make someone look guilty"

For those of you who have or have had pets, this is a true story. For those who don't have or have never had pets, it is still a true story.

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butts. I cannot stress this enough.....

One more thing, staring at me while I eat to try to direct my mind to give you my food will not work (usually). I am too old and too tired. Go stare at the kids. They are younger and more susceptible to mind control. If you don't believe me, notice how they all dress alike so they can be individuals.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people,
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!