Best Jokes, computer or other.

Where else would that come from other than the bookstore guy?

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My
wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask
their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know
them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually
fall asleep.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep
down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out
again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so
I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a
night out with "the girls".

When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was
open,and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the
graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the
club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro
shop where I bought it?

Signed,
Perplexed In Pittsburgh

Really funny!!!!

Rich

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question,

"When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said,
"I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied,
"Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
"Sister, I think it's your feet."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?"

Little Johnny said,
"Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh! God, I'm
coming!” If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted.

Here's a joke I heard when living in Romania (you need to remember that Nicolae Ceausescu was the crazed communist dicatator of Romania for years and years):

In the spirit of an ending Cold War, Reagan, Gorbachev, and Ceausescu meet at Ceausescu's private, extensive zoo. They walk along a man-made winding river, full of alligators. The three presidents are wearing hats and a sudden breeze kicks up and blows all three hats into the middle of the snapping creatures.

Reagan half-heartedly asks his bodyguard if he might retrieve his hat, but the bodyguard demurs, saying, "I can't do it, Mr. President. I have a wife and children."

Gorbachev asks the same of his bodyguard, and his bodyguard repeats, "I can't do it, Mr. President. I have a wife and children."

Ceausescu, on the other hand, merely looks at his bodyguard, who promptly throws himself into the river, fights off the alligators, loses an arm in the process, but returns with Ceausescu's hat intact.

The other two presidents are amazed by this loyalty until Ceausescu explains: "He has a wife and children."

Romanians would tell this joke with great hilarity, but Ceausescu got his, no joke, shot with his wife on December 25, the ultimate Christmas present to the People.

Jake

you did live in romania?

I did, for three years. Got to visit your pretty capital as well.

Jake

you mean you've been to hungary too then?

Yep, spent some days in Budapest. I wish I had had more time to tour the rest of Hungary.

Jake

cool.

http://crummychurchsigns.blogspot.com/

Sadly enough, there's a church on my route to school that frequently has signs far worse than those.

A Blonde's Year in Review

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May - Tred to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it??? !

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 . "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on
one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

The lady replied, "Yes..."

"Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."

That wascawwy wabbit.

I'm in a punny mood.


Did you hear about the man who bought a dog with no legs? He called it cigarette. He used to take it out for a drag.

Following the death of Quasimodo. the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post.. The Bishop, incredulous declared, " My Son, you have no arms!" " No matter" replied the man. He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard, but a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one of the number asked " Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly, "But his face rings a bell."

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.


A Sunday School teacher read a passage from the Old Testament book of Jonah to her class:

"And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah;
and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and
three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from
the belly of the fish, saying 'I called to the Lord our
of my distress and He answered me." and the Lord spoke
to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land."
(Jonah 1:17)

When she had finished reading, the teacher said, "Now, children, you have heard the Bible story of Jonah and the whale. What does this story teach us?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "You can't keep a good man down!"



Edit: Cheers to 200 completely off-topic posts.


Edited by PhotoAngleMemory 2007-11-06 2:58 PM