2008 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

a) However, Paranoiacs (== idiots fooled to often) either
(like me) stop and ponder before touching their teeth, or
(like me) stop right after the first touch..... oops, dumb..

b) not everyone has a tongue long enough to reach all the way into
the high glass they use for their dentals, so the validity depends on
time of day....

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Short joke:

n n n n n n n n n n n n l n n n n n n n n n n n n n n

please start looking yourself for your lost contact lens too!!

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "because you have tried your best to be faithful to me in all ways, i will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources, i can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, " Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, " You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

In 1986, Dan Harrison (see picture) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.



As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.



Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.



Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.










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Wonkette.com is linking a hilarious YouTube video (March 27, 2008). Look under "Shocking Bosnia Video Proves Hillary Told The Truth!"

It's not my intention to tip the hand of my U.S. voting preferences--I post the link only because the fake news story is lots of fun. And wonkette almost always has a laugh somewhere.

Jake

Dell fights back against the mac book air:
http://current.com/items/88880451_new_dell_s_response_to_macbook_air

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,

He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Seamus's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins!..... A boy and a girl. The babies are fine and your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother...he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother....I like Denise." Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew"

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco I found someone's heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride side saddle.

What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Someone told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The high cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help 'groups'?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

Is it just me--or do buffalo wings really taste like chicken?

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year.

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.





I now bring plastic cups to all hotels so I don't have to drink from the glass ones that are wiped with potty gloves.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.



I always remove lemons and limes from my restaurants drinks for fear of getting e-coli.


I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pasttime while driving alone is picking your nose (although cell phone use may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of transfats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open now, for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And, thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support ourAmerican troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot, because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!



If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. this afternoon, and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day.

Oh, by the way...

A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late

.

What's a pay phone?

Why Parents Have Gray Hair
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you
and Mom. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I
knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos,
her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I
am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant. Joan says that we
are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a
stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of
having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in
the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.In the meantime,
we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I
just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the
report card that's in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

hahaha!!!

CDC Alert

The Centre for Disease Control (CDC) has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called 'Weary Overload Recreational Killer' (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) & Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

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Dumb Blonde
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun.

'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.

'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references.

He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up.

He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.

He wakes her up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep

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Fish on Fridays
A husband and wife came for counselling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'

The husband thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.'

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.
As luck would have it, an Texaco gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann
was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill
with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'

LETTERS DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER:

Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged
gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These
two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or
leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?


Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, fowl language and violence on my
VCR?

Dear Abby:
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby
I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby:
I am a 23-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years.
It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the
cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

Dear Abby:
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when
confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a
good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby:
My 40-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week
for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby: My Favorite.
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until
one night he came home sober.

Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through mental
pause.

Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him
to a doctor. Well, my husband has lost all interest in sex and he is a
doctor. Now what do I do?