2009 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

H1N1 physical manifestatons on children, look for skin changes...and if anyone actually gets the swine flu...oops, sorry...





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awww so cute!

I have read this one before, however, I laughed so hard this time, tears really were coming out...

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope
for
you. I was crying by the end. This is an actual account as relayed to
paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better..
For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield , IL .

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI Judge # 1 -- Excellent
firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers..
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the
beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili...
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to
look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw them.

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold
vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally.. Can't feel my lips anymore.. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI Judge # 1 -- A mediocre
chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about
judge number 3... He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know
what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just
suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI Judge # 1 -- The perfect
ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

Edited by Yoldering 2009-09-10 8:14 AM

hahahahahhahahahahahahaha
Very nice!

Australia




These were posted on an Australian Tourism website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour


Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV; how do the plants grow? ( UK )

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? ( USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe ..
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

______________ ____________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.






Edited by Yoldering 2009-09-23 3:39 PM

She plays every Tuesday night, straight after the hippo races and the Vienna Boys Choir. Come naked.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And that's when the fight started



..................................................



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes..."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started ...



...................................................



I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said..

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started...



.................................................



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage...

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's when the fight started...



.............................................



A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap.

That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that's when the fight started....



...............................................



I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream..

And that's when the fight started.....



............................................



A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's when the fight started....



.............................................



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself...."

And that's when the fight started....



.............................................



My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started....



...............................................................



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SIN The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age..

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And that's when the fight started.....



........................................



When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started....



..........................................



One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started....

A Glasgow man walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Glasgow lad hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Glaswegian for using a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Glaswegian returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?

The Glaswegian replies:

"Where else in Glasgow can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41
and expect it to be there when I return'"


Ah, the mind of the Glaswegian....

A man finished reading the book on male assertiveness, MAN OF THE HOUSE.
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said:

"From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when
I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward.
Then, after dinner, you're to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

She looked at him for a moment and slowly answered: "The funeral director?"

-----------

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

- and why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

Only in America; in England we drive on Roads

Well, truth be told, they only call them parkways on the East Coast nowadays. (We West Coast folks call them freeways - though with LA traffic, the term 'parkway' actually makes sense. )

What do you park on?

My Parking Space

A teacher is explaining biology to her
4th grade students.


'Human beings are the only animals
that stutter,' she says.


A little girl raises her hand. 'I
had a kitty who stuttered.'


The teacher, knowing how precious some
of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the
incident.

'Well,' she began, 'I was
in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running
start and before we knew it, he jumped over
the fence into our
yard!'

'That must've been scary,'
said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little
girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went
Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she
could say '$h*t,' the Rottweiler ate
her!'

The teacher had to leave the
room.