2009 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

Yeah...but you do have a great picture...and reading it with the picture, I could hear Cliff speaking....

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this meassage on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortuneatly they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

?????????



Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards


PC ???

?????????????

Community Beat Officer






Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards

???????


P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin .

After all the background checks, interviews and testing
were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no
matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair
.. . . kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I
had to beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

Wonder what FBI location she's working in now.

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
The last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
Immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole?

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me. Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bill, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
and remember we all say things we don't really mean,
so think before you speak

Reminds me of a conversation I had years ago. I was having trouble learning German, and my girlfriend at the time (who was a native German speaker) was helping me. The specific problem had to do with nouns, and using different articles depending on the noun gender. I said something to the effect of "I've never quite understood the idea of gender.", at which point she smiled and started to explain how boys and girls are different.

So, good advice - no matter how many languages are involved.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." Then, he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


The moral of the story: Never underestimate old people

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I've quit drinking!"

Not exactly a joke, but definitely funny stuff (or maybe just silly stuff):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0N1_0SUGlDQ&fmt=18

Yes, singing plants and dancing zombies. Quite a clever way to advertise an upcoming game...

conversation before marriage...

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : No! Don't even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : No! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Every chance I get.

She : Will you hit me?

He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse...

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat, old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL SCHOOL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY, WITH THE SAME NAME, HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY
CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED FAIR VIEW HIGH SCHOOL. 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A BULLDOG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SOB ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH ???

That's a good one! Thanks for a great thread - a good laugh a day is better than an apple Here's one I saw earlier today in a newsletter and since it's perfect timing ...


A man was driving along the highway and saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the Easter Bunny jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man and animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road. He got out seeing what happened to the rabbit. The Easter Bunny was dead. The driver felt so awful that he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car, and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the Easter Bunny came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two people and hopped down the road!

Ten feet away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved at the two people again, hopped down the road another 10 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 10 feet, turned and waved and repeated this again and again until it was out of sight.

The man was astonished! He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can. He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said:

"Hair Spray - Restores Life to Dead Hair - Adds Permanent Wave."

Edited by rudytutti 2009-04-10 10:47 PM

Once an ant hides behind the tree seeing an elephant......
Do you know why??????????


Because it wants to pull the elephant down by giving his leg when it walking......

Ah, the ever-popular elephant jokes. One of my faves:

Q: How do you know an elephant's been in your refrigerator?

A: You can see his footprints in the cheesecake.