2009 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

Let's confuse C:Amie further:







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I play golf though

Exactly, my British friend.

In baseball, the pitcher has to throw the ball within a certain range in front of the batter. If the pitch is too high, too low, etc..., and the batter doesn't swing, it's called a "ball". Once the batter gets four "balls", he is allowed to go to first base. It' sort of a penalty against the pitcher's team - called "walking" the batter.

Don't worry C:Amie, I am somewhat lost when it comes to Cricket.

btrimmer, thanks, now I get it

Yoldering, that makes two of us!

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey.
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I
won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the
plot for me, like in the old days.

Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried..

Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

A police officer pulls over an elderly woman for speeding.

"Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?"

"Yes, I was doing 80 miles an hour in a 45 mile an hour zone."

"I see. I need to see your driver's license."

"I'm sorry officer, I don't have a driver's license."

"Well, then. I need your car registration."

"I don't have that either, officer. I stole this car."

"You stole this car?"

"Yes, officer. Right after I killed the owner and dumped his body in the trunk."

Immediately, the officer calls his Sargent to report the situation and request backup.

When the Sargent arrives, he asks the old woman to get out of the car.

"I'll need you to open the trunk ma'am."

She does so, to reveal a completely empty trunk.

"May I see your driver's license and registration?"

She returns to the driver's seat, gets her driver's license and registration from her purse, and hands them to the Sargent.

The Sargent examines the documents, glares angrily at his officer, and returns the documents to the elderly woman.

"I'm sorry for the confusion ma'am. It seems I was called out on false pretenses."

"Oh, it's quite all right, Sargent."

She leans a little closer to the Sargent and whispers "I suppose that liar told you I was speeding, too!"

This is a fun little game.
http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html

The real question is how many times in a row can you trap it? My goal is 6 in a row.

Another tidbit from my sister:

Subject: Why do we love children?


1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police.
Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.

'It sure is,' I replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'


8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said:
'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'

(I want this line used at my funeral!)


10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons
and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the
older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would
be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

Edited by Richard Plume 2009-06-18 7:30 PM

After having their 11th child, a Liverpudlian couple decided that was enough, as the social couldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive..

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also worked in Middlesbrough, Sunderland, West Hartlepool, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales .

Have you ever heard Jingle Bells in reverse? Turn up volume to hear it.
http://blog.adonias.cl/archivos/Flash/Jingle_Bells_Reversed.swf

yawn
Predictable much?!

Give things away much?!?

Edited by Yoldering 2009-06-23 5:16 PM