2011/2012 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

A woman goes to the doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

The Doctor says: "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, And he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says: "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

Edited by Richard Plume 2012-08-07 12:02 AM

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.

I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh."

This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says
"Hi, I’m Freddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?"
The man, slightly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing there says
"Hi, I’m Jim. I’m here to see Kim. We’re gonna go for a swim. Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. Few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says
"Hi, I’m Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. We’re gonna go to the show. Can she go?"
The man, now kind of annoyed says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, after few minutes later the door rings and the father answers. A kid standing there says
"Hi, I’m Chuck. ."
and the father shot him.

Yoldering!!! AHAHAH. That last one was hilarious!! D

Perhaps you should tell me what the author meant about Chuck? haha jk

I'm wondering what the last sister's name is.

Hi, I'm Chuck. I'm here to pick up Luck. We going four-wheeling in my new pickup truck. Would you tell her I'm ready for the mud and the muck!

Buck, Cluck, Duck, Luck, Muck, Puck, Suck, Tuck, Truck

Anyways, that's the best I can do...

Took me a couple of minutes (and no I didn't google it).

What is it?

Letitia has a large one, and so has cousin Luce.
Eliza has a small one, though large enough for use.
Beneath a soft and glossy curl, each Lass has one in front.
To find it in an animal, you at the tail must hunt.
Hermaphrodites have none; Mermaids are minus too.
Nell Gwynn possessed a double share, if books we read are true.
It's used by all in Nuptial Bliss, in Carnal Pleasures found.
Destroy it, Life becomes extinct, the world is but a sound.
Lasciviousness here has its sources, Harlots its use apply.
Without it, Lust has never been, and even Love would die.
Now tell me what this wonder is, but pause before you guess it.
If you are mother, maid, or man, I swear you don't possess it.

Took me an hour and about 2 dozen times reading it....

Funny how it just jumps out at you after a bit...

And you didn't need it to respond (but I would have, if replied I had tried).

That's it exactly.. you have to get your head out of the box first though (double entendre much?)

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."


Husband texts back:

"pour some luke warm water over it."


Wife texts back:

"computer completely stuffed now."

You forgot to mention the colour of the wife's hair...

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Then again, isn't that sort of what we do?