2011/2012 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

Darn tootin' newbie

Stole this from George Takei on Facebook:

My girlfriend left a note on the refrigerator: "It's not working. I can't take it any more. I'm going home to Mother."

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What's she talking about?

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when i asked if i could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my ipad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it...

HA! Thanks, I needed that!

. . . as long as he doesn't swat the fly with an H/PC . . .

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Everybody's friend, Pooh bear seems to have more problems than he realized...

Winnie the Pooh, Christopher Robin and their forest friends are "seriously troubled individuals" according to Canadian researchers.
Far from being the innocent world it appears to be on the surface, Hundred Acre Wood is, say the researchers, a place where psycho-social problems are not recognized or treated.

In a report published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, the specialists suggest AA Milne's characters would be better off with psycho-active drugs and more parental guidance.

Lead researcher Sarah Shea said the purpose of the tongue-in-cheek study was to remind people that anyone can have disorders.

Pooh, a bear of very little brain, is said to suffer from the condition known as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

His fixation with honey and his repetitive counting behaviors suggest he may also present obsessive compulsive disorder, according to the report.

Pooh's learning problems could also arise from him being dragged downstairs by Christopher Robin, bumping his head on each step - a possible case of "shaken bear syndrome", asks the study.

"We cannot but wonder how much richer Pooh's life might be were he to have a trial of low-dose stimulant medication," say the researchers.

Piglet obviously suffers from generalized anxiety disorder according to the study.

Anti-panic agent, it says, would have saved him from the emotional trauma experienced while attempting to trap heffalumps.

Role models

While the chronically depressed Eeyore and risk-taking Tigger are also prescribed different kinds of medication, some of their friends need support and better role-models.

Had his condition been identified early, Owl's dyslexia could been overcome through intensive support.

The researchers predict that Roo is likely to become a delinquent for lack of a good role model, while Kanga will probably miss the opportunity to get an MBA due to a social context that does not "appear to value education and provides no strong leadership".

Which brings us to Christopher Robin.

Not finding any diagnosable condition, the specialists express concern over several issues. Namely, the boy's lack of parental supervision and the fact that he spends his time talking to animals.

"Sadly the forest is not, in fact, a place of enchantment, but rather one of disenchantment, where neuro-developmental and psycho-social problems go unrecognized and untreated," conclude the authors.

Whether the readers of Pooh would benefit from the bear's visit to a child development clinic, as suggested in the study, is another matter.

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

A story shared by the late, great George Carlin a long time ago:

I went to the library and asked the librarian to tell me where I could find self-help books. She told me that would defeat the purpose.

Just found this on Facebook...






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A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
"…hasn't affected my brothers though!"


Elderly Chinese couple refuse to sell land to government - so motorway built around their house:
http://www.independent.ie/world-news/asia-pacific/elderly-chinese-couple-refuse-to-sell-land-to-government-so-motorway-built-around-their-house-3302670.html?start=3

Looks familiar...

Hey, I often thought that I wish I owned that strip of land between the north and south lanes of US131 in Michigan....I could be happy with a house there...traffic alongside wouldn't bother me any...might be a little dicey backing out of the driveway however...

Good thing they're on the fifth floor - I'd be worried about drunk drivers . . .

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
- Rich Cook