2014 Jokes, Humour and Funny Stuff

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hahaha

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1. The Grim Reaper came for me last night , and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

2. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it, he reckoned he could stop any time !

3. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed four grave diggers walking about
with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

4. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went
to our local pet shop and they were £10 each!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web..

5. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

6. I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.

7. I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the
side of the road.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself -that guy's heading for a breakdown..

8. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

9. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning,
can you believe that; at 2:30 am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

10. Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
Bugger that" says Mick, "have you seen how many of their
owners go blind?"

11. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20
in her purse.

12. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend just yet.

13. A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around
and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect?
You're in a wheelchair.

14. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said I would like to come back as a cow.
I said you're obviously not listening.

15. The wife has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


18. The wife was counting all the 5 and 10 pence pieces out on the
kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started
shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

19. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of drinkers saying that
they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot
was a woman.
What a pair of sexists.
I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!


21. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off
before I could eat it!

22. A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick
has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you ,
today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

23. Just got back from my mate's funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.

25. An Asian fellow has moved in next door.
He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears
and climbed the highest mountain.
It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

on the third day, Jesus and Stingraze resurrected from the dead. I've been back from hellllll.................. ..

I hate Dr. Seuss to be honest.. What's green eggs and spam

very cool...

Gets me every time.



Edited by Alt Bass 2014-06-19 3:56 PM